By now I'm sure the majority of you have heard about the recent child abuse allegations by multiple players in the NFL. This has brought on a huge public outcry, and most of what I'm reading just flat out frustrates me! I thought I would shed some light and put some thoughts to rest.
The science behind spanking
I don't condone spanking because I'm a feel-good therapist; I disapprove of spanking because science doesn't back it up. Psychology 101 teaches us that positive reinforcement is the most effective way to change and shape behavior in the long term. Spanking is considered positive punishment, and therefore, does not fit into the positive reinforcement category. Additionally, research shows us that violence begets violence; why would I tell you to spank your child if that meant he/she could then take that out on others? To read more about the negative effects of spanking, check out this article on the APA website by Dr. Alan Kazdin, an expert in child psychology.
OK, spanking is bad. Now what?
There are so many other loving, creative, non-punitive ways of guiding your child's behavior. Love and Logic is a must-have resource for any parent with children of any age. I also love the philosophy of mother and psychologist Dr. Laura Markham, the voice behind Aha! Parenting, who teaches that strengthening the relationship with your child goes a long way and may even prevent the need to punish your child.
But my parents spanked me and I turned out OK.
I simply hate this comment! My response to this is three-fold: 1) Just because you were spanked doesn't mean you have to carry that on to your children. 2) As Dr. Kazdin points out in his article, there are people who smoke cigarettes their whole lives without experiencing negative consequences, however, there is ample research that shows smoking is bad for you and no one would recommend it. 3) This may be a little more challenging, but seriously ask yourself, Are you really OK? Because whenever I've heard somebody say this, there is usually some deeper psychological wound in the form of resentment or difficult relationships under the mask of "I turned out OK."
But what about "spare the rod spoil the child"?
Christians often point to this statement (which does not appear in the Bible) and similar verses to endorse corporal punishment. As explained in an article on the website Religious Tolerance, the passages in the Old Testament that encourage spanking were written by King Solomon and believed to describe his own parenting style when he raised his son Rehoboam. Later in 1 Kings 12, we learn that when Rehoboam became king, he intended to treat the Israelites more harshly than his father Solomon. He was so hated by the Israelites, they actually planned a rebellion against him! It took God instructing Rehoboam, "Do not fight your brothers" in order for him to back off. So, just as we see in psychological research, the Bible shows us that violence begets violence. It seems like if we don't want to raise children who are harsh and hated by others, then we shouldn't follow the commands of King Solomon. Instead, we should follow God's command to not fight and to love one another.
My kids are used to spankings. Will changing discipline styles mess them up?
Absolutely not! It is never too late to change a behavior, especially if that behavior is not the most effective tool in your box. Check out the websites I've included in this post and find some new tools you'd be willing to try with your kids. Your kids may be confused at this "new you" or "new way" of doing things, and this confusion is only temporary until they adjust over time. It will take time to break old patterns and to learn a new way of thinking and behaving, so be patient with yourself and enjoy the positive results that will follow.
The science behind spanking
I don't condone spanking because I'm a feel-good therapist; I disapprove of spanking because science doesn't back it up. Psychology 101 teaches us that positive reinforcement is the most effective way to change and shape behavior in the long term. Spanking is considered positive punishment, and therefore, does not fit into the positive reinforcement category. Additionally, research shows us that violence begets violence; why would I tell you to spank your child if that meant he/she could then take that out on others? To read more about the negative effects of spanking, check out this article on the APA website by Dr. Alan Kazdin, an expert in child psychology.
OK, spanking is bad. Now what?
There are so many other loving, creative, non-punitive ways of guiding your child's behavior. Love and Logic is a must-have resource for any parent with children of any age. I also love the philosophy of mother and psychologist Dr. Laura Markham, the voice behind Aha! Parenting, who teaches that strengthening the relationship with your child goes a long way and may even prevent the need to punish your child.
But my parents spanked me and I turned out OK.
I simply hate this comment! My response to this is three-fold: 1) Just because you were spanked doesn't mean you have to carry that on to your children. 2) As Dr. Kazdin points out in his article, there are people who smoke cigarettes their whole lives without experiencing negative consequences, however, there is ample research that shows smoking is bad for you and no one would recommend it. 3) This may be a little more challenging, but seriously ask yourself, Are you really OK? Because whenever I've heard somebody say this, there is usually some deeper psychological wound in the form of resentment or difficult relationships under the mask of "I turned out OK."
But what about "spare the rod spoil the child"?
Christians often point to this statement (which does not appear in the Bible) and similar verses to endorse corporal punishment. As explained in an article on the website Religious Tolerance, the passages in the Old Testament that encourage spanking were written by King Solomon and believed to describe his own parenting style when he raised his son Rehoboam. Later in 1 Kings 12, we learn that when Rehoboam became king, he intended to treat the Israelites more harshly than his father Solomon. He was so hated by the Israelites, they actually planned a rebellion against him! It took God instructing Rehoboam, "Do not fight your brothers" in order for him to back off. So, just as we see in psychological research, the Bible shows us that violence begets violence. It seems like if we don't want to raise children who are harsh and hated by others, then we shouldn't follow the commands of King Solomon. Instead, we should follow God's command to not fight and to love one another.
My kids are used to spankings. Will changing discipline styles mess them up?
Absolutely not! It is never too late to change a behavior, especially if that behavior is not the most effective tool in your box. Check out the websites I've included in this post and find some new tools you'd be willing to try with your kids. Your kids may be confused at this "new you" or "new way" of doing things, and this confusion is only temporary until they adjust over time. It will take time to break old patterns and to learn a new way of thinking and behaving, so be patient with yourself and enjoy the positive results that will follow.